Narcissist parents, their enablers and the legacy of the scapegoated child.

When you are raised by narcissist parents as their scapegoat you expect so little, from them or anyone else. The only thing you want to be is invisible so you can avoid a beating or a tounge lashing. As an adult life is difficult because your needs were never met and you feel that great emptiness within, not always understanding why.

 It is possible that the parent was split into two in the mind of the abused child as a coping device. Rejecting the bad side of mum or dad and only seeing the good. This coping device works against the child because if the parent is all good then they themselves must be bad. The parent is already giving this message to the child by telling them it is their fault, they are the bad one. So shame and blame take root within the child and they act as a container for all the rejected parts of the parent.

Having a narcissist parent or both means that you were made responsible for your parents feelings and needs while not having any of your own. The responsibility of this at a young age is a burden that can last a whole life, leaving you vulnerable as an adult to narcissistic people who's only interest in you is that you will fulfill their needs.When you are not being nurtured it leaves a great chasm inside. It makes you a carer for everyone who needs it and slowly the self is eroded and any needs are pushed down. The abused child turns into an adult that neglects their own needs for the benefit of others. Narcissist take and take from them until they can stand it no more and flee.

Many survivors of narcissistic abuse as children, crack under the weight of the role they hold within the family. As children they may find it hard to concentrate at school and many have learning disabilities. Sometimes the enormity of how bad the abuse actually was does not appear until later in life, when it can be looked at more fully, at a time that the mind is able to process it. Once the reality of the abuse is seen clearly it becomes hard to maintain a relationship with the narcissistic parents. Many scapegoated children go no contact later in life because it is the only option left to them in order to heal.

No one chooses to leave their parents and family of origin as a lifestyle choice. It is a choiceless choice thrust upon them due to continued abuse and disrespect. Scapegoated children often end up on the periphery of society and groups, too scared to once again become the scapegoat for yet another narcissist. The only good thing about being the scapegoat of a family is that in this role you are most likely to be the one to leave. Yet in leaving all is not solved because the whole family turns against you. It was like this before you left but it is not until after you leave that the truth comes out clearly. Sometimes no contact is absolute and forever. Ties are cut with everyone connected because everyone who is linked to the narcissist family will either be tainted by them or was already thus.

The scapegoated child is left to fend for themselves while the family of origin carry on as if nothing was wrong. Siblings and other family members are turned into flying monkeys by the narcissist parents. All abuse is denied. The child can even start to blame themselves again or feel the need to return to gain favour. But it never works.

 No contact means none, nothing, zilch. Never again. If you return you will be punished and nothing will have changed. Only you can change and giving space between you and your abusers gives time to see things clearly. It allows you to start on a road to self-care and self-nurture and to find those who care about you. It is a huge decision and not one to be taken lightly but once taken there is no going back, only forward, into a better future.