Narcissistic family cultures, no contact and the scapegoat child

 

 

 

When you live within a narcissistic family you do not exist. Your only purpose is for the use of the parents. As an extention of them. They do not see you as an individual. In fact if you are individual they will stamp that out of you. The control that narcissist parents want over you is total and if you do not comply you will be punished.

This is called child abuse.

It is not just a smack on the hand telling you that you are doing something wrong, this is way beyond that. It is emotional annihilation and often physical violence. It takes a toll on your mind and body. The narcissist parent has no empathy they can do anything sadistic without feeling any remorse. All they have to do is blame it on the child. The child can't afford to think of a caregiver as cruel and abusive so they take it on.

Narcissist parents do not love their children no matter how it appears. In most cases they hate them and wish they had never been born. But the child can't understand not being loved so they internalise it, it must be they that are at fault. Being corrected, beaten, name called and abused constantly makes the child think they are worthless and bad.

So they split the parent into two people a good mother and a bad mother. A good father and a bad father. And inside their mind they lock the bad parent away and try to create a fantasy of a good childhood. The lie is in place and affects the rest of their life. Leaving them vulnerable to other tricksters and liars both as a child and an adult.What happens over time is that the child breaks or they carry on into adulthood and something gives and the truth is revealed to them. The bad parents are see for what they are. The good parent was the lie.


Many narcissist familes on the outside look like the perfect unit. Not all abusive families are shouting at each other, throwing things in the street and acting anti social. No, many of them are hiding behind a saintly exerior. Some of them are thought well of in society. Even the whole extended family may be viewed as a good example of what families should be. But behind closed doors all is not as it appears. Inside it is falling apart at the seams.

In trying to control everything the narcissist parent is always frustrated because in reality it is impossible to control everything. So they get angrier and angrier. Their mask slips but it is too late for anyone to see it because they have set themselves up as good. No one wants to hear or believe what is going on indoors. What does happen is that they are seen as good and the children as bad.

When the child becomes an adult especially if they are the scapegoated child, they start to pull away. Seeing how abused they still are as adults doesn't sit right with them. As a scapegoated child they will often be the one to leave. Meanwhile their siblings carry on as if nothing had happened. It is sometimes as if they were all having a different experience as children, they often were. The narcissist family is all about division. They do not want siblings to be friendly because they might start swapping notes. So they keep them apart. Even if abuse is happening in front of them they will deny it. The child who leaves such a family unit is shunned and smeared.

Once you call out the truth of abuse within such a family your life will never be the same again. You are rejected. Your extended family and siblings will be used against you as flying monkey enablers. They will take the side of the narcissist parents even if it appears that they don't. Some seem to take your side at first but it doesn't last.

The only option is to leave the toxic unit. But leaving a family unit is not easy and many are drawn back only to be further abused. This decision is not a lifestyle choice, not taken lightly. No one wants to make this choice, it is forced upon them. So the scapegoat leaves and is abandoned by the whole family. Anyone they stay in touch with will be used by the narcissists. There are no friends within this unit only abusers and their enablers.

Yet after the intial shock and a period of grieving, reality kicks in. You see how bad it was, how much you put up with, and you wonder how you stayed so long. It is exhausting recovering from this abuse but then living within the family unit is even more destructive. Away from them you start to get a sense of self that you didn't have while with them. They tried to crush your spirit and take away your individuality and now you can see who you are without that. Freedom begins. You begin again. Like a new birth.