The reality of no contact with your family of origin

 

Going no contact with your family of origin is not a lifestyle choice. 

Not something that is done lightly. It is a choice made when all other avenues have been tried and have failed. When one finally realises that there is no hope for the relationships therin, no place for you within the family and a realisation that you will only survive and heal outside this unit. 

It is often not until after you leave that the full extent of abuse that was done to you within that unit is revealed. 

You will find how difficult it is to tell anyone about your decison. When people ask about your family you have to discern how to tell or whether to tell at all. There is no requirement to say anything. But any shame that people direct at you is more about them than you. You would not have left a good family. You are not bad.

At first there is a huge relief often followed by deep sadness and mourning for all that you have lost. All the shunning you may have felt within the family feels magnified now you have left. But this time you are the one who shunned! You will change.

So this is what may happen when you leave:

 Firstly the hard stuff:

You will be overcome by grief and loneliness

You may find you have no one on your side

The one's on your side may turn out to be flying monkeys

You don't know who you are anymore

You will struggle with feeling of guilt

You will feel shame and be shamed

You will want to return

You will wonder how they are

 

Secondly the good stuff:

You will be able to breathe again

You will rediscover who you are

Happiness will creep in and grow

You can discern who to let into your life

You will discover hidden talents

Over time you will let go

The strong emotions you felt at first will lessen

You will realise you did the right thing.

 

I know how this feels

It is my story. I survived it. I know what it is like to live long term with this decison, at least for myself. I have no idea where any of my family are, whether dead or alive. It wasn't easy and some days yes I still think about them. But I made a tough decision to leave forever and I stick to it. I lost so much by doing this. I went back once and it was a mistake. All that came from it was a stronger realisation of why I left in the first place. I don't regret it but I do regret that I was forced to do it. My life is simple and peaceful now and I found myself beyond abuse.

 I was strong but they tried to make me weak.

 I was clever but they tried to make me stupid. 

I was attractive but they tried to make me ugly.

They tried to project everything they felt about themselves upon me so I rejected that. I chose to believe in myself and to see their lies and abuse. I finally let them go. I went no contact forever and stuck to that decision whatever came.

 If you have been forced to make this decison I understand how it must be for you. I am so sorry. But you will survive this. Just stay away from them. Chose self care and self love. It is not selfish.