I rarely talk about my own spiritual path or spirituality in general. It seems such a private thing to do. But something major happened to me in my thirties that I can't deny. I write about it in my books No Contact Survivor and also in The story of my life and Liberation I started to wake up in a big way. Completely out of the blue. It ripped my life apart and I was never the same again. My world slowly unraveled and fell apart. It needed to, but it was painful. Few understood what was happening to me, even other survivors, so I just kept quiet about it.
I have started to notice that many survivors seem to be going through similar experiences right now but may not instinctively know what it is that is happening to them like I did. So I thought it would be helpful to give a brief story of what happened to me back then. To help others understand that going through flashbacks to childhood is a spiritual awakening and a normal part of evolving as a human being. As scary as it is at the time, knowing that this is what is actually happening, can help to aleviate the fear of what one is going through.
I will not go into big details of my story because it is too long but if you want to know more you could read my books.
I began to have flashbacks out of the blue to childabuse.They happened at all times and anywhere. In the car, at work, in the street, while talking to someone. It was relentless until I realised how to manage them. I did this by doing inner child work, talking to the parts of me that were stuck and were showing me the flashbacks. It sounds crazy but it worked. I missed it when it all stopped. I missed those children who I had loved and integrated into myself. I rescued myself from those awful times. Became my own super hero. Made myself whole again.
Alhough I had remembered how bad my childhood was, once the flashbacks came, it was much, much worse than I could ever have imagined. These flashbacks lasted for four years. During that time I somehow managed to work as well, using methods I describe in my books. I somehow knew what to do. I trusted my own mind and what it was showing me. When the terrifying flashbacks abated I then began to have flashbacks to previous lives. I was not taking any drugs nor under a doctor so I was not stopped by anything, I just went through it. It wouldn't be for everyone I know. I started therapy a year after the flashbacks began. But even my own therapist, as good as she was, had no idea what was happening to me.
From the outside it may have appeared as if I was a bit crazy, but I knew I wasn't. I knew that what was happening to me was a great opportinity for waking up. It was both a terrifying and an uplifting experience. Yet there was no one to talk to about this.
I began to do some research to see if others had had similar experiences and found a great book by Stanislav and Christina Grof it is quite an old book but still relevant. I now see that there are many who are writing books on this subject and also some fake guru types one should watch out for. It is a difficult minefield to walk in finding out where to look and who to trust with this awakening.
For myself I just trusted what I was going though and knew that I would have everything I needed to get myself through it. How great it would have been to have found authentic people to help one at the time. But get through it I did. In the end the flashbacks stopped and normal life resumed and how dull it all seemed. But I was different now. I could not life the same life I had been doing before it all began. I lost my relationship, family of origin and everything else at that time. Dealing with the loss was huge.
I then became a Buddhist following a Tibetan teacher for 25 years or more including a three year closed mountain retreat. Yet even that I gave up eventually. Now I am a lone yogi walking my own path using everything I learned along the way. I don't see my spirituality as anything separate from my life but as all the same thing. I have learned that when one steps into the boat to get to the other side that when one gets to there one has to step out of the boat. So it is with the spiritual path. Even when one has been following something for years they may have to give it up or be stuck with one foot in the boat.
I am not saying here that I am awake or enlightened, far from it, but rather that I have woken up and am now unable to go back to sleep. The world no longer holds a fascination. My goal is total awakening.
Flashbacks to child abuse or trauma can be an awakening experience. It seems like you are going mad. But sometimes it is just an awakening. You have to find your own path. I am not just advocating to do it the way I did. It was the only way I knew. I don't know if any of this will make sense to you but to the few who will get it:
Keep going, keep letting go and never stop until you reach the goal and even then give that up.
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