As a traumatised survivor of abuse we have a dream of a future self that will one day be healed. Everyone does it and it helps us to have some hope. But in always looking for a perfected future self we miss out on living our life now. And in doing so we never quite get there, to that state of perfection. It leaves us constantly dissapointed in ourselves.
We try another therapy, read another book, watch another video in the hope that this one will be the one. The one that makes us perfect. Because we often mistake healing for perfection. We want our suffering to go away and live in the hope that one day it will. We are shamed and we also shame ourselves that we are not happy enough, not positive enough. If we share our troubles we are being negative and needy. So we constantly beat ourselves up about who we are.
Doesn't that sound a bit like abuse and how our abusers treated us?
So what do we do to give up the need to be perfect could we perhaps be a bit kinder to ourselves and have a day off once in a while? Could we be more accepting of our imperfections and in doing so have less expectations of others as having to be perfect too.
I have been studing, practicing, and have certificates in therapies and self-development for decades. In all that time I have found that healing was possible but that it is also not linear, not a destination. Instead I saw that it has peaks and troughs. I would have great breakthoughs and then feel I was back at the start, which was not true, but it felt like a failure. I beat myself up a bit more. Until I saw the pattern of healing and realised that it is a lifetimes work. That I will never be at the end of it and in seeing that I can let up on myself on the days when I feel bad and really enjoy the days I feel good.
I found that it is possible to heal from trauma but that it will always be with me in some form. Over time it is less and less vivid and painful. On days when I feel that I am not healing I remind myself that I am being aggressive towards myself. I can use this impetus to drive myself to do something or I can use it to relax into the moment and know which one to use when, to drive or relax. I am not perfect, and each time I feel I should be, I remind myself that I am human and deserved of compassion, as much as I would give to another.
The world is geared to be admiring of those we see as perfect and to see those who appear imperfect as losers. But it is all an illusion. No one is perfect no matter how they appear. Even the rich and famous. Yes they suffer too.
So we can give up that striving of 'Never being good enough' because that is what it is all about. We were told in so many ways we were never good enough for others and we believed it. Try being imperfect for a day. In doing so you allow others to be imperfect too. It means you are human.
Never give up on your healing journey but see it as just a part of life that will always be with you. Start to weave it into your life rather than seperating it away from and being other than living. In doing so you will start to relax and live again. You accept your imperfections because you are perfect as you are in each moment.
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