Self blame and how we end up emotionally abusing ourselves.

After living with narcissistic people we learn to take the blame for everything, even things we didn't do. It becomes a habit. We start to listen to the critical voice in our heads that tells us we are to blame. It becomes so persistant that we actually take notice of it because we think it is true.

 Self blame is self abuse. It is not a caring self-care thing to do. We turn into our own abuser not even realising what we are doing. We internalised our abusers voice and what they thought of us. It is not our fault that we do this but we have to make it our priority to become self-aware of it happening.

 In a normal relationship people apologise and see their part in any interaction. They are aware that they have hurt someone and will feel remorse. But in a dysfunctional relationship with a narcissist the blame is always firmly on the victim. The finger is always pointed towards the abused. The abuser takes no responsibilty for their abusive actions so the victim then internalises the blame. It must have been something they did. They try harder and become a people pleaser. But it doesn't work. The abuse intensifies and the narcissist becomes bolder. They kick you when you are down, where they wanted you to be.

Even when we leave them still we are so conditioned to the abuse that we continue to imprison ourselves. They don't need to utter a word, don't need to be anywhere near us. We will do their work for them. It is only when we can start to become aware of that internal critic that we can start to free ourselves. Because while we are unaware we think it is part of us, part of our internal dialogue.

 Self care and taking our focus away from the abuser and on to ourselves is the first step. Knowing that it wasn't our fault, the abuse, and that it isn't our fault that we have this internal critic. But it is now our responsibility to stop blaming ourselves and it has to be a conscious decision. Some effort has to be made. As with any habit first you become aware of it and then you make changes to stop the bad habits and swap them with new habits that are empowering and caring. Where once we were tied up in self-blame we make a decision to walk towards self-care, stay with it and see it through.

And if you hear yourself saying 'easier said than done' well that is the absolute truth. It is easier to just say it. Doing it is the harder road to travel. None of this is easy but then staying the same and expecting something different doesn't work either. Because if you do nothing about your habits everything will stay the same. Start with something very small, large steps are not needed. There are no quick fixes for habits that have taken decades to stick to you. We can't expect them to magic away overnight. Make one small change every day and create new habits. Habits that support you and those around you to grow. Walk away from, abusers and self abuse and  choose self-care. Choose you.