When you leave them you have to start all over again. New life, new you. You do that by looking back at how it really was. You see how they took you for granted, it hurts. You don't even have a map of how to get there, to that place you think you should be heading for. But you do expect to reach a destination and that in itself can keep you disscontent and dissapointed for years.
To heal is to realise that there is no destination point, no end, no full healing. Recovery is a set of healing and then feeling you have gone back. Sometimes you may not even see how far you have come because you think healing means that you never think of the narcissists in your life or have strong emotions about them. But in reality healing is about you and how you transform what life has thrown at you. The pain of the past may stay but you are able to live despite it.
"What the narcissist has done to you stays with you. It stays to inform you of what narcissist are like and what to avoid. It is not a failure to think about the past because the past informs us about our future."
They call it a sense of entitlement, the way the narcissist expects things. They feel it is their right to have anything they want, when they want it. Along with this comes their complete lack of gratitude for everything you do for them or with them. It is not even that you did expect gratitude for the things that you did for them at the time, because the chances are, you wereactually the one who was filled with gratitude for what they did for you, until you wake up that is.
But while you are with them they will dangle all sorts of things in front of you to make you feel grateful, and, guilty when you don't. So that when you leave you can be filled with shame at the times you were not grateful for. Look at what they did for you?
When you did things for them it was often through love, because that is what you do for the people you love isn't it? But then you soon start to realise that you are being taken for granted. You see that they expect you to do everything. They even complain when you do anything at all. It is never right. But still they offer you a few crumbs to keep you hooked in. So you start to think that actually you are an ungrateful wretch. They gaslight you into believing it is your fault.
What you don't see at the beginning, when you are being tricked, is that you were only there to help them up the ladder of life. So when they get there, you are superflous to their needs. You don't fit into their new image, new fake image! They may swap you for a younger model or someone who will be more of use to their next climb up the money ladder they are always climbing. The new model will not be treated any better than you but even then you start to feel jaded and useless. You become as useless as they said you were. You are not the marvelous god or godess they first met.
So comes the discard. Not all narcissists just up and leave, a cruelty of huge magnitude when you are feeling at your worst. No, some of them keep you hanging on, abusing you more. They want to keep you tied to them just incase the new supply doesn't work out. Or, if they do discard you, they may try to keep a line open to you incase they need to come back if it doesn't work out. They are after all intelligent enough to know that people will tire of them once the truth is out.
Once you have left and it is over you will start to look back on your life. You will nostalge and romance about the wonderful times you had at first and it will keep you in a loop of misery. But the more you delve into the past and the more you can face the harshness of the truth the more you will heal. Because instead of that sadness a startling clarity will come. You were used. Every single moment with them was only about their needs not you. It is shocking when you see it clearly. It takes some courage to face it but until you do you may be tempted to look back and miss it all, miss them.
Here is the truth. They don't miss you, they never will. No matter what they say to try to weedle their way back in your life take no notice it is all lies. All those things you did with them, even if you felt you enjoyed it, were not your choice. You were living their life, not yours. they only made you think it was also your choice.
Set yourself free by going through those harsh realities. Don't rush to get your life back, it will all come in time, once you know what kind of life you want. Because up till now you had forgotten who you were, what you liked, what you wanted, what your needs were. You have become an utter stranger to yourself. So spend those first years away from them discovering who you are. Have that relationship with yourself first before you go looking for someone else to fulfill those needs. You deserve a good relationship, you really do. But make sure you have your first relationship, after them, with yourself. Then you can come to a new relationship with some stability and self worth behind you. You start again but with more self knowledge. Not so easy to trick.
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