If you are a survivor of narcissistic abuse you will know first hand how the narcissist fools everyone, how popular they are and how everyone sees them as great people. When you live with a narcissist you know exactly who they are, the person indoors, because that person indoors is not the same person in company. Indoors the mask comes off. Even outdoors it slips occasionally, but, well, others say, it's just them and how they are, only fooling, funny, didn't mean it.
So it comes as no surprise to see how much support they get and how little support survivors of their abuse get. As time goes by we start to see to our horror that narcissism is on the rise and is enabled everywhere. There are even articles applauding them in a covert way. What is amazing is how they elevate these people without a thought for their victims, without a thought of the destruction they leave in their wake.
Look at this article by the BBC here are some of the findings on the research
"Such psychological traits should "not be seen as either good or bad but as products of evolution and expressions of human nature that may be beneficial or harmful depending on the context".
And further research might find a way to cultivate some of these traits, while discouraging others, "for the collective good".
I don't know about you but as a survivor of narcissistic abuse I see no good in any narcissistic traits, traits that mean standing on the head of someone just so they can appear taller themselves. The research does not say how this would be done, this cultivating of some traits. It sounds dangerous to me.
So being a researcher I look up the doctor who did the said research and find yet another article in the Irish times. Here is what it says:
"He found from independent studies
involving more than 700 mostly adults that grandiose narcissism can
increase mental toughness and offset symptoms of depression and that
narcissists can view their lives as less stressful."
“If you are a
narcissist, then you think you deserve the world. You face a lot of
stressful situations in your attempt to get what you deserve and during
that process you become more resilient, more mentally tough,” he said.
Well of course this is true. But what it fails to address is the fallout of the distress and trauma that those connected with such people are left with. The main problem being that narcissists rely on their supply. They can't function without others. They may appear tough but you can bet that in the background someone is paying for their success, someone is holding up these narcissists.
In fact it is perhaps the survivors of narcissists who are indeed even more tougher than the narcissists themselves. It is they who have to endure shunning, shaming, scapegoating, smearing campaigns. If that is not tough I don't know what is. The narcissists can appear tough becaue they are projecting all their disowned parts upon those who are helping them in their success. Narcissist are weak. Anyone who has to get to the top and be successful by being a bully deserves no accolades. Not from this blogger anyway. I wonder what other survivors think. Are narcissists great people?
So to further see how narcissists tick and why you should have sympathy for them I have another article for you to read. This is a bit more touchy feely in that the writer is telling us we need sympathy for the narcissist. This is what it says:
"The final tragedy is that most, or all, of the people
they exploited—individuals commonly referred to as their "narcissistic
supply"—end up deserting them. When that occurs, ancient feelings of
emptiness, abandonment, and shame return with such “vengeance" that
they’re compelled to turn up their defenses a notch, prompting them to
further denigrate—through what’s commonly referred to as "narcissistic rage"—those now able to see through their façade. But if these defining features are understood at a deeper level,
as powerful psychological defenses to protect them from experiencing a
truly frightening vulnerability, a quite different picture emerges. As a
result, they may not be any more likable but can at least be viewed as
more deserving of our sympathy."
But what about the survivors of this narcissistic rage. It didn't just happen when they left, it was happening all through the relationship. Are they now to be blame again for the narcissist emotions, just like when they lived with them.
What I am seeing in these many articles is that as a trait of masculinity narcissism appears to be very attractive. It is deemed as good. But not all men can live up to this ideal thank goodness and those men often end up being thrown to the back of the pile, not man enough.
If these articles took into account the view of survivors I would take them more seriously, but they don't. I just see a fascination with narcissistic traits. When you live with narcissists either as parents or partners there is nothing redeeming about them at all. Despite how marvelous they appear in public. As for feeling sorry for them that is how one gets entangled with them in the first place and how it is then a lifetimes work to disentangle from these abusers.
So no, narcissism is not attractive. It is an illusion created by tricksters . Despite the excuse of having a bad childhood there is no excuse for abuse, abuse is a choice. So please lets stop elevating poor little narcissists. Lets stop seeing narcissism as a manly trait because it isn't. Narcissm is the trait of an abuser, man or woman, and not something to crow about. How about giving some cudos to the strong narcissistic abuse survivors because I talk to thse people every day, I hear what they have been through and it is they who show strong traits and authenticity while the narcissists show themselves to be weak. Lets stop spreading the lies of how great narcissism is. Instead lets spread empathy as a strong human trait instead of it being seen as a weakness to be exploited by narcissists.
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