Happiness is normal, right? It is something everyone pursues. Whatever we do in life has one aim, the desire for happiness. Yet for those of us who have learned to live with depression due to childhood abuse and or abuse as an adult, and the subsequent legacy of what that means, happiness is sort of weird.
Happiness is something for others or we should make others happy first and our happiness doesn't count.
Being happy can feel like like entering a strange country where you do not know the language or customs.
You question, is this happiness. Is this feeling real or not?
Then that can often be accompanied by feelings of fear, for two reasons:
One is that it will be taken from you as is the case when one is surrounded by narcissists
Or two that you will be abused for being happy and that you should hide it.
I experienced many beatings from my mother if I was happy. My Nex sulked and made my life unbearable when I was enjoying myself. Friends stole my life from me. Workmates stole my jobs. So I stopped owning things mentally. What was the point if it was all to be taken from me. I lost all that I had because my Nex thought it was all his. I got used to narcissist thiefs.
Happiness thiefs that's what I call them.
But in recovery you start to get more and more days where you feel, dare I say it, NORMAL! Yes!!
The more days you get like this the more you can cope when the dark days come. But you may feel guilty or be made to feel guilty for being happy. It is a cycle. Up and down. Eventually the extremes can get less extreme.
Let me tell you a truth, life without depression can seem very dull indeed. The intensity of feelings can be the same as when you do a dangerous sport. It gives you a fix. You hate being depressed and would do anything to take it away, but the truth is, life without it is dull at first as you stabilise away from it. It sounds like a paradox but it was something I discovered for myself.
I still get depressed but not dark and terrifying. I still get suicidal ideation but I know I will never act on it and that it is just a last thought escape route when I can't take it anymore. A place to go to where I know I will never enter but yet think about. Because we want it to end, our suffering.
But happiness is another thing altogether and one which is very difficult to live with. Yet as one day becomes a good day, and even two or three, you can start to feel safe to look beyond the door marked happiness and away from the more subtle, dull light of misery and trust it is real. It is OK to feel happy.
Happiness is weird but isn't it worth fighting for?
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