As a survivor of abuse you will have had your feelings and experience invalidated again and again. Abusers and their enablers will have told you that you are a liar and a fantasist. If you express emotions of sadness people will tell you to cheer up, or that you shouldn't be feeling that, or that you aren't feeling it the right way. Then they will tell you how you should be feeling, their way. Each time this happens your self is negated and your feelings denied. This happens so much that survivors often push down feelings, hide them from others or numb all feelings.
The crime is that abusers have no feelings and that is how they can abuse. Their humanity is removed and they can justify their abuse by shutting off their feelings. When you have empathy it is much more difficult to harm another. Remove empathy and you can do whatever you like without guilt. Abusers deny abuse by projecting their own shame upon you until you begin to think it is actually yours.
Self validation is starting to allow feelings to surface. Too often we can deny feelings because we experience shame for allowing them or expressing them. People will feel uncomfortable around you so you hide them. Then if you say you feel something someone will often say 'no you don't/shouldn't feel that' or no this is what you should be feeling.
Validating the feelings of others and also validating your own feelings is an important step in your healing journey. Believing in yourself, your experiences, your emotions and not negating that maybe you shouldn't be feeling something. When others express feelings of their abuse it may not tie in with your own eperience but never the less you allow others to feel what they feel until they come to their own conclusions.
From the blog What is invalidation by Karyn Hall:
"Emotional invalidation is when a person’s thoughts and feelings are rejected, ignored, or judged. Invalidation is emotionally upsetting for anyone, but particularly hurtful for someone who is emotionally sensitive.
Invalidation disrupts relationships and creates emotional distance. When people invalidate themselves, they create alienation from the self and make building their identity very challenging.
Self-invalidation and invalidation by others make recovery from depression and anxiety particularly difficult. Some believe that invalidation is a major contributor to emotional disorders."
Self validation is a great milestone in your recovery. To begin to self validate your own experiences and feelings by saying:
Yes this did happen to me. Yes I do feel this way because and about my abuse/abuser and that is ok. My feelings are valid. I do not need anyone to tell me what I should or should not be feeling.
Validate other survivors experiences as well as your own. It really helps.
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