Narcissistic abuse is amnesia from happiness and has to be awakened again.

 

Most people think about what would make them happy. Yet few think about the question 'What is happiness?' We think of it as something to be achieved by outside things, places, or people. After narcissistic abuse we wonder if we ever knew what happiness was. Was it something we were before we met them? Or did we never have it?

I was an expert on misery. I knew what that was. I could explain it in detail, but happiness, what was that? Perhaps it was a feeling that you get when you jump out of a plane or do dangerous sports, that feeling of exhileration. Maybe it was watching comedy, having a coffee, a drink, eating chocolate, a holiday etc etc. But if it was any of those things then happiness was costing too much money. It was an endless persuit that sometimes even left me unhappy.

I simplified my life. Or rather it simplified for me. I was left in a place devoid of stimulation, devoid of people and no where to turn but myself. I got depressed then it went and back again. Why can't I just be happy I thought. Then quite by accident it dawned on me. I was missing happiness by looking in all the wrong places. I was expecting it to be linked with a feeling of excitement and if it wasn't it couldn't possible be happiness. Surely not being excited was boring. Then I started to accept my life as it was, became more content, stopped looking for happiness and it crept up on me.

Happiness I realised was nothing special at all. It was just a feeling of being at one with myself, of bringing my mind home to rest where it should be. I had tried all sorts of therapies and even religion but it was not until I gave it all up that I started to relax, really relax and it all fell into place.

Happiness is not ha ha he he, not excitement, not smiling or having fun, even though it seems to be that. Happiness is just a feeling of equalibrium. I am willing to give up my theory as I have given up so many others things I thought were true. But for now, I know what happiness is and it is contentment and settling. I looked in all the wrong places yet all the time it was there inside of me. So now I know it is actually simple I can give up looking for it elswhere. It was here all along. The narcissists hid it from me but now I have it back. I am happy.