You don't realise until you leave a narcissist partner how much you lost out on friendships due to that relationship, what it cost you to be with them. Not only do they stop you from making friendships, often without you knowing, but if you do have any they will soon be lost to you. The narcissist wants full control of you. Anyone on your side is not on theirs and will be eliminated. Your friends won't want to be around if they are made unwelcome or uncomfortable and neither will your family. That's what happened to me and probably you too unless you were lucky and had strong allys.
But at the time you are with them they become your life and you accept whatever they do, even if you don't like it. You tell yourself lies about how good it is, make excuses and believe the gaslighting they supply. You may get annoyed that they are not friendly to those you know but that's just how they are you tell yourself. Because you think you love them and you think they love you. You believe you have a strong connection. You will even fight others in your denial of who they are.
Comes the time after you leave them or they leave you and you realise that you are on an island alone. It makes you miss them even more, being alone with your grief. Makes you vulnerable to going back.
I didn't know I had spent decades not making friends because we had such a lively social life. Always going somewhere always doing things. But when I left I saw with startling clarity that all the people we socialised with were his friends, not mine. He had used me to get friends because together we seemed like a nice couple. So the ones that stayed his friends were the people that he used for something or other, often shady deals! I was left alone totally after I left him because I had also gone no contact with my family of origin. The only person I knew in the world was my therapist. So I made the mistake of staying friends with my ex. The abuse continued.
But life went on and I made new friends started to go places and do new things. He would have hated everything I chose to do. As I started heal I became more forgiving and I let my abusive parents back into my life. In doing so I lost everything and everyone again. I had to leave my home, town and friends and disappear to escape them ,to find peace. At the same time I also lost touch with my ex.
When you look back at the time you spent with the narcissist, often your best years, your youth, you see how you helped them to make friends and neglected your own, or to make any at all. You notice how your life revolved around them and their needs. You were blind to it. You have to start all over again and make a new life and it is not always easy when you are also healing from narcissistic abuse. The abscence of friendships and the inability of making new friends while with the narcissist is a great loss and something that you are only aware of as you heal. Only then do you see how important friendships would have been for you.
Did this happen to you? Did you make new friends and how old were you? Or did you end up alone, unable to trust again?
Comments
Post a Comment