When you live with narcissists as partners you can easily be fooled that your life is exciting. They only have two switches and both of them say ON! They are terrified to stop incase reality kicks in and they have to face themselves. They generally don't like their own company.
There is the drama of their constant abuse, the intermittent reinforcement of them abusing(serotonin) then being nice (dopamine). It can appear as if there is something going on all the time. You find you can't ever rest. Fear keeps you on alert. The hormones flow dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin. Endorphines are realeased. You become a junkie for the feelings good or bad. All you crave is their fix.
You imagine that life with them is exciting because they thrive on excitement. They often love dangerous sports and being near death because the reality is they can't feel at all. That is why they are able to do such terrifying things and death defying dares. You are dragged along with their lives. How lucky you are to experience a life you would not have otherwise. You may be rewarded with holidays, gifts and experiences. At the same time you will be punished without even knowing why.
It affects your brain. You don't even know at the time that you are being damaged in body and mind, you are too busy living 'their' life with them. You have no time to even consider yourself or your needs. They don't ever consider you.
So when you leave them it can be like being dropped from a great height. There is relief, you can breath again. But yet.... it can be too quiet, too boring. You have only yourself to focus on and you have forgot how to do that. You feel selfish for even thinking about yourself. So you start to think about them instead. How are they? Do they miss you? You start to long for them and their crazy fix. You may even start to do crazy dangerous things yourself, imagining it is just you being brave.
It is exhausting isn't it. Yet the longer you are away from them and the longer you are able to sit with the boredom, sit with the pain, the more peaceful it becomes. In fact, you can't believe how absolutely fulfilling and nourishing peace is. It becomes the new addiction. You realise how much of a malestrom you were in while with them. Like being in the center of a tornado.
The reality is that they were not exciting at all. It was all mirage. Everything you did with them was only for their benefit. Even if you enjoyed some of the experiences, when you fianlly look back you see what those times cost you. It was narcissistic abuse not excitement. Now your job is to overcome the junkies addiction to the narcissist and other narcissists. You are in recovery now. This is no easy path. Have self compassion and learn how people overcome addictions. Choose peace and no contact. Choose you.
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