Narcissistic abuse creates an adapted self. Healing is realising this and finding the authentic self

When you are an empathetic person living with a narcissist you develop an adapted self to cope with their abuse and rejection of an independent you, separate from them. Because they only see you as a mirror of themselves, and that reflection has to be perfect, anything that they see as an imperfection of themselves is rejected in you and you in turn reject that same attribute in yourself. 
 

The more a narcissist rejects you the more you try to please them and all this is due to you feeling it is all your fault. The narcissist accepts no responsibility for any wrongs whatsoever, unless they want something from you. Then they may create a faux sense of apology. But their projections upon you are accepted by you because you are empathetic and accept the narcissists bloated false self image due to your trusting compassionate personality. You trust they are who they say they are because that is the sort of person you are.

The longer you are with them the more you adapt yourself in order to be what they want you to be. Yet this can never be achieved because they see themselves as imperfect. They have a deep sense of inferiority which they hide with a grandiosity they hope hides this weakness.

They can never be pleased and over time you begin to realise this. Once the truth of who they are unfold survivors tend to leave, think about leaving or are abandoned and discarded within the relationship by ignoring them or by the narcissist leaving the relationship suddenly.

It is not until the relationship with the narcissist ends that a survivor sees how much of themselves they gave a way. They developed an adapted self and buried any potential they had and relegated it to history. Working with this adapted self and uncovering a true self is a huge task one which requires commitment to self and a promise of self care over self abuse.

When one starts to get in touch with any qualities that the narcissist rejected there is often fear and self rejection. The inner critic starts to come in, the narcissist voice is heard as one’s own inner voice. During this time it is good to make a list of what exactly the narcissist rejected and put down about you because it is often those every things which were your talents. Finding them again along with recreating new ones can be both daunting and rewarding. When you see what you are capable of it gives you back a sense of worth again.

The adapted self is usually quite vaporous and like a hologram. You will find that it is not so strong as you first thought. As you gain back some of your creativity and sense of self worth the adapted self will be unable to function so well.

The narcissist may have made you lose some of your sense of self but it is always there in the background working away, waiting for you to release it back into being again. You can do this, you really can. Be patient with yourself as if you were teaching a child a new skill. You deserve a new life. Go and begin it today. Small steps soon become a run. Recreate yourself. No need to go looking for who you were before the narcissist, begin again if you have to. Start anew. Find the authentic self.

I know this is possible because I have experienced this myself. Each time another trauma has hit me I have uncovered yet more parts of myself I had forgotten about.