If you are being abused by someone it is perfectly understandable to walk away from them, to stop the cycle of abuse. But somehow walking away from your own blood family, family of origin, is a big sin in society. You can tell by the stunned look on people's faces when you tell them you don't talk to your mother, father, sister, brother. It is as if it were just a little argument or a small falling out and well, you can mend it can't you? If you could have done so you would. In fact you would have tried everything with no results up to that point.
You would have tried harder, appeased, people pleased, sucked up and basically lost your whole sense of sense. It didn't work, any of it. They can't be pleased, ever. It is an endless pit of neediness they have. They will drain you dry and then come back for more. By the time you leave you are probably ill from their abuse anyway. Leaving is an act of self care.
The thing with abusive families is that the dysfunction often can not be solved, the whole unit is toxic. Everyone within that family unit is trained to be loyal to it's abuse and keeping that abuse quiet. But the whistleblower does not keep quiet. They won't keep quiet, thay can't keep quiet. So they do the only thing they can as an act of self presevation. They leave.
Few will support this decision. Going against the family system is going against society. Because society supports dysfunctional families as if they were normal. Society enables child abuse. If this were not true everyone would be up in arms and it would have ended. But it hasn't.
The toxic family is often covert and not the overt screaming, beating in the street kind. The covert family hides beneath a veneer of piety, goodness and perfection. While indoors it rules with a fist of iron. It's abuse does not always leave bodily bruises but the breaking of the mind into shards. Leaving a person of many parts. Someone who then has to heal themselves whole again.
The abusive and toxic family is held in tact while the scapegoat is branded mad. Nothing will change when you leave. You can not save those left inside, that is for them to wake up to. It is not an abandonment that you leave behind others who will stay to be abused. It is all you can do to heal yourself. None of them are your alies now, only enemies, whatever they say, however they act.
When you leave your family of origin you will be shunned. The whole family will build a strong wall around it to keep you out unless you adhere to it's rules. Lying at all times. But scapegoats of families just can't keep quiet because they can't stand the lies anymore. Whenever they try to tell others within the family that they are being abused that whole family denies it. Even those who at first may seem as if they are on your side will eventually show their cards as having been an enabler and a flying monkey doing the work of the toxic narcissistic family unit all along. They would rather throw you to the dogs than be thrown out themselves.
So with no alies the scapegoat leaves the family with no support.
The good news is that with distance from the abusive family you start to clearly see how bad it is and was. It was worse than you remembered. You have time to heal and take stock. At first you grieve deeply. It is a great loss and one not to be underestimated. Then over time you will wonder why you didn't leave earlier or why if you left you wonder why you went back.
The real work will be in not looking for the same family unit in life. Not trying to mend it by finding other toxic people and units to solve. The only person you can heal is yourself. Never underestimate how healing yourself can affect so many people round you. It ripples out. It is a gift. You will discover over time why you were able to leave and what your role in life is beyond your toxic childhood. Until that day you concentrate on your own healing. You stop rescuing toxic adults.
You will survive no contact!
You would have tried harder, appeased, people pleased, sucked up and basically lost your whole sense of sense. It didn't work, any of it. They can't be pleased, ever. It is an endless pit of neediness they have. They will drain you dry and then come back for more. By the time you leave you are probably ill from their abuse anyway. Leaving is an act of self care.
The thing with abusive families is that the dysfunction often can not be solved, the whole unit is toxic. Everyone within that family unit is trained to be loyal to it's abuse and keeping that abuse quiet. But the whistleblower does not keep quiet. They won't keep quiet, thay can't keep quiet. So they do the only thing they can as an act of self presevation. They leave.
Few will support this decision. Going against the family system is going against society. Because society supports dysfunctional families as if they were normal. Society enables child abuse. If this were not true everyone would be up in arms and it would have ended. But it hasn't.
The toxic family is often covert and not the overt screaming, beating in the street kind. The covert family hides beneath a veneer of piety, goodness and perfection. While indoors it rules with a fist of iron. It's abuse does not always leave bodily bruises but the breaking of the mind into shards. Leaving a person of many parts. Someone who then has to heal themselves whole again.
The abusive and toxic family is held in tact while the scapegoat is branded mad. Nothing will change when you leave. You can not save those left inside, that is for them to wake up to. It is not an abandonment that you leave behind others who will stay to be abused. It is all you can do to heal yourself. None of them are your alies now, only enemies, whatever they say, however they act.
When you leave your family of origin you will be shunned. The whole family will build a strong wall around it to keep you out unless you adhere to it's rules. Lying at all times. But scapegoats of families just can't keep quiet because they can't stand the lies anymore. Whenever they try to tell others within the family that they are being abused that whole family denies it. Even those who at first may seem as if they are on your side will eventually show their cards as having been an enabler and a flying monkey doing the work of the toxic narcissistic family unit all along. They would rather throw you to the dogs than be thrown out themselves.
So with no alies the scapegoat leaves the family with no support.
The good news is that with distance from the abusive family you start to clearly see how bad it is and was. It was worse than you remembered. You have time to heal and take stock. At first you grieve deeply. It is a great loss and one not to be underestimated. Then over time you will wonder why you didn't leave earlier or why if you left you wonder why you went back.
The real work will be in not looking for the same family unit in life. Not trying to mend it by finding other toxic people and units to solve. The only person you can heal is yourself. Never underestimate how healing yourself can affect so many people round you. It ripples out. It is a gift. You will discover over time why you were able to leave and what your role in life is beyond your toxic childhood. Until that day you concentrate on your own healing. You stop rescuing toxic adults.
You will survive no contact!
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