Your abuse did not make you stronger. You were already strong.

"Your abuse did not make you stronger. We have to stop saying this lie, it makes abuse seem like a medal to wear. Abuse makes you ill. Give no thanks for what happened to you, or to abusers. You are who you are today because of you, you were born strong. No one made you that way."

 No Contact Survivor

There are so many phrases that indicate that abuse and hardship makes you stronger. 

'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger' etc.

But we need to question exactly what this means. When you are affected by trauma it actually makes you ill mentally and physically. It weakens you. Ok you start to see how the world works in more clarity, and that's not a great thing either, but still you are awoken from lies by abuse. Does it make you stronger though?

Well I for one do not agree that it does. I give no thanks to my abusers or the abuse I had to endure for being strong. I have always been a strong woman. What I do wonder is how much stronger I would have been if instead of abusing me that others had supported me. If my parents had cared for me rather than neglect, abuse and abandon me. What about if my ex and a few of the other exes had been equal partners rather than trying to dominate and control. 

My belief is that I was strong already, from being born. I had potential as all children do. I was strong despite abuse not because of it. Being nurtured and supported would not have made me weak it would have given me a better start.

We have to stop accepting abuse and one of the ways we can do this is to not think that adversity makes us stronger. Our strength is highlighted when we have adverse circumstances but they don't make us strong. I often wonder if saying abuse makes us strong, is a way to make us feel we should endure everything that comes our way. To shut up about it. Keep a stiff upper lip. It is quite an old fashioned way of thinking that is slowly losing hold. 

We are told we are brave survivors but many who have survived don't feel brave at all. Some do not survive but it doesn't mean they were not strong either. It is as if being abused is a medal we wear round our necks. People congratulate you for being abused and surviving it. So you can end up thinking how great that is. You start wearing it like a medal. How brave you were. Well of course you were brave. But that did not make you strong. What it did is damage your immune system, damage your nervous system, damage your brain deep inside. It caused all sorts of illnesses that are costing the NHS a fortune to put right. 

So if you are a survivor of any kind of abuse I salute you but I won't say it made you stronger. I won't say that your abusers made you stronger. What I will say is what a strong person you are, due to yourself, due to your own inner strength, not due to another. You are stand alone marvellous. You did it alone. You alone made yourself strong. No thanks to weak abusers!

Knowing this will set you on the road to recovery. To look inside for strength because it is there if you came this far. You are stronger than you could ever imagine. Abusers tried to hide this from you. Go take it back! It is your birthright!