The courage to face my demons

"You find the inner strength, the mind muscle, and defiant stubbornness, to slay your demons despite it all, even at your lowest ebb you are a force to be reckoned with" ---Alice Little, No Contact Survivor

I don't mean to be negative but I know it may come out that way. What is the point of only focusing on the persuit of happiness if you can't also tell the truth about suffering. You see I know a lot about suffering, so much of it that I don't fear writing about it. But people do tell me that I should write about good stuff.

That, I will leave to others. My positive has another flavour.

I tell the undiluted truth about narcissistic abuse and also other kinds of abuse so that someone somewhere may be able to read it and identify with it so that they know they are not  alone. So if you are looking for positive posts maybe go to another blog. Because my idea of positive is the courage to face my demons head on, to not shy away from what I have endured and what I continue to endure because of my abuse. I am not a miserable person but I am melancholy and I don't see it as a problem. Many poets and artists are. The continued persuit of happiness, now that to me is a problem. Just like drinking salty water to quench a thirst, it is never satiated.

It took me a long time to realise that I was depressed due to abuse as a child, I thought it was me and my fault. When I had suicidal ideation I just laughed about it, always coming up with inventive ways to do it. I didn't realise something wasn't right. That something that was not right was in fact the people around me. My parents, friends, partners etc.

Once I realised the problem I left them all. My mother was just about to create a huge storm including the use of my siblings and for once I saw it clearly. Leaving them all behind was tragic and depressing but over time the peace and mental stability, as much as is possible, has been great. You don't get over this stuff you just adjust your life around it. So when people talk about healing I know they expect to be miraculously completely over it but it doesn't happen quite that way. You move on despite it. Moving on means you continue to live beyond it. It fades over time and becomes less emotionally charged. Less rumination about them.

Healing is being able to confront your demons, knowing some will be underground in the recesses of your mind. To not be afraid of yourself or your mind. To take back control of your thoughts where others held the control. Healing is a path you walk all your life. Knowing this you become a strong warrior. Because if you are not afraid of yourself and you take control of your mind, it is much harder for another to do so. I don't doubt that I am strong. Strong enough to be myself whatever others say or think. It's called authenticity.