In order to cope with abuse we deny it happened and sometimes we even forget it. Yet if you say to anyone, who does not understand the art of forgetting abuse, they will often say things like ‘oh no I could never have forgotten something like that’ and so we hear denial from others. It is done in often subtle ways, the denial of your abuse by others. We also deny all the things we actually do remember by minimising them.
Yet the biggest
denial is the denial we do ourselves. It is the minds way of
protecting itself. We may not even realise we are doing it. So
painful is our abuse that we turn it off. We minimise it by thinking
maybe it wasn’t as bad as we thought it was. Or perhaps we hear
another’s story of abuse and it seems they had a much worse time
than us. So we think why are we moaning about our little bit of
abuse.
But there is no
small when it comes to abuse is there.
When you are a
survivor of emotional abuse you can deny it long after it happens,
long after you have left your abuser. You know it happened yet still
you look for crumbs. Because in amongst it all, the abuse, there was
just enough good times to keep you hooked in. Those good times keep
you in denial. Or the reminder of how good it was in the beginning
when they were on their best behaviour. Until the mask slipped and
the true abusers face appeared.
Even when others
point out to you that your abuse is bad still you can think maybe it
wasn’t. On and on it goes in a perpetual cycle of denial.
The abuser created
that cycle.
That is how much
brain washing they did to you, how much they controlled you. That they now have you working on
their side even when they are long gone. They made us feel it was our
fault. What a great trick they played. Their denial, deception and
minimising of their abuse now becomes ours.
Yet there is hope.
Hope because the
longer you are away and the less you see or hear them and their lies
the more truths unfold for you. You see in startling clarity how they
treated you. You may still deny some things but over time each part
of the puzzle will find it’s place. Don’t worry that the journey
is long or difficult just stay on the path. When denial, self
deception and minimising starts to fade so do they. You begin to see
how strong you are that you were able to withstand such continued
abuse and are still standing.
There is hope but in
the beginning we are even in denial of that. That is why we can’t
imagine it. It has to be seen, lived and experienced so that we know
it is true. That it is not just another trick.
One second, one
moment, one day, maybe a week of feeling good and it starts to create
new neural pathways in our damaged mind. There is always hope though
you may not see it now.
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