When you leave the narcissists in your life it feels like the road to freedom. You can please yourself instead of pleasing others. You can care for yourself instead of neglecting yourself and centring others. There is a taste of freedom. A honeymoon period when it all seems fun. But are you really free?
It took me several years after I finally left my family of origin, partner and friends to finally realise I was free. I had been so imprisoned by others needs it became a habit and I found that I had only re-imprisoned myself. Always waiting for them to find me, always hypervigilant. Then one day something seemed to happen that made me truly realise that I was free. There was no one in my life stopping me from doing anything. There was only me and I was both the prisoner and the jailor. I was afraid to be free because whenever I had shown signs of rebellion and free spirit it had been knocked out of me by my parents hands and words and when I freed myself of them I found partners and friends who would imprison me too.
Even when I left them all to find freedom I was so damaged by it all that it took years to heal myself. I found I could not make my usual coping devices work, namely overwork, because it was making me ill. So fate intervened. No matter how I tried I could not do anything but stay in one place, new to me! I could not work, could not find friends, lost my spirituality, lost my creativity. It was a barren place. Excrutiating boredom ensued but no matter what I tried it did not work. So I surrendered to it all. I accepted my isolation.
In surrendering and giving up my fight with life I saw that I was changing. Who I thought I was had been manufactured by others or was a faux self as a legacy of abuse. But deep inside I always knew I was a strong woman. I knew this because I had survived so many things that should have broken me, but they didn't. I knew I was strong because I had the will power and discipline to stay away from the narcissists in my life, to hide forever from them, and never return. So I knew I had the courage to heal.
Narcissistic abuse is a prison. Once you escape you have to learn how to be free. It will be individual to yourself. No one can help you but only show the way. One persons path may be different from yours but still you can learn from it and take what you need.
My freedom was in the training of my mind. I had spent years in retreat doing meditations and study on Buddhist philosophy and practices of healing and those years left me with skills I was finally able to use to free myself. Some days I do feel the prison of my own mind but I know it is only temporary. On the many days I am free I feel joyefull and thankfull that I can even feel a tiny bit of freedom. After the life I have had and what I have been through, this is what I call my freedom. I hope you find yours.
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